Posted by: lordkyler | September 11, 2010

Parody – Pirates of the Atlantic

This was a little project to create a parody of Pirates of the Carribean, done in script format. It may seem a little overwrought, but it came to me surprisingly naturally, and I think it’s rather funny at times. I would certainly change some of the jokes now, but still, enjoy.

EXT. Ship, Night.

Zoom in through rigging to Y. Elizabeth

Y. ELIZABETH

(singing)

I’m a little teapot, short and stout…

PIGGS (parody of Gibbs)

(puts hand on Elizabeth’s shoulder)

Belay that singing!

NORRINGTON

That will do, Mr. Piggs.

PIGGS

Sir, she was singin’ about teapots. It’s bad luck. even worse havin’ ‘er on board. She don’t even ‘ave a rabbits foot, not even a miniature one!

NORRINGTON

Nevertheless, she is a passenger on this ship, and as such, you will treat her with respect. Especially since she’s the only thing KEEPING ME FROM GIVING YOU TWENTY LASHES, Mr. Piggs.

PIGGS

(Grumbling)

Aye, sir.

NORRINGTON

All pirates should die a quick and painful death.

GOVERNOR GÚSE (Parody of Swann)

I’m worried that this might have an effect on my daughter.

Y. ELIZABETH

Actually, I find it quite boring

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Yes, thats what I’m worried about. Wait, hold on, what did you say?

Y. ELIZABETH

Never mind, Daddy

Crewman

Sir, there’s something over there!

Camera pans right.

The Titanic drifts by. Flares shoot up, and we see Leonardo Di Caprio slip underwater.

NORRINGTON

So?

CREWMAN

No, sir, on the port side!

Camera swing over to port side.

NORRINGTON

Oh! The port side!

Norrington, Piggs, Y. Elizabeth, and Governor Gúse move to the side rail.

We see flaming Wreckage coming out of the fog from a ship floating by. On a pink blow-up seahorse thing, we see Y. Will Spinner.

NORRINGTON

This is more like it.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

What is that?

NORRINGTON

It’s a seahorse, genus Syngnathidae, made of from pink latex, and produced by Acme Bath Toys, inc, copyright Slinky the Seahorse.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

No, I meant the thing on the seahorse.

NORRINGTON

Oh.

Y. ELIZABETH

It’s a little boy!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

No, I meant the thing on the seahorse, Honey, weren’t you listening?

Y. ELIZABETH

(stammering)

But- but- but- thats what I’m…

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(looking back at the boy)

Oh, look, it’s a little boy on the seahorse!

Y. ELIZABETH

Eeerrggh…

NORRINGTON

Man overboard! Get that thing on the ship!

Crewmen

Aye aye, sir!

They pull him on board. Mr. Piggs tries to stuff the seahorse down his shirt and get away with it.

NORRINGTON

Mr. Piggs, you will put that back immediately,

PIGGS

But Captain…

NORRINGTON

NOW!

PIGGS

Fine!

NORRINGTON

(mutters to himself)

As soon as we’re home, I’m going to boot him out of the Navy on his…

GOVERNOR GÚSE

AS You were, Gentleman!

Governor Gúse walks over to Y. Elizabeth, who is standing by Y. Will.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Elizabeth, I’m putting him in your charge.

Y. ELIZABETH

Yes Father.

Governor Güse walks away. Y. Elizabeth looks from side to side, then begins to pick Will’s pockets. She finds a wallet, a Watch, and the Medallion. She stuffs them into her pockets. Y. Will wakes up.

Y. Will SPINNER (Parody of Turner)

What- what’s going on?

Y. ELIZABETH

You’re on a ship. Do you have anything valuable?

Y. WILL

No

Y. ELIZABETH

That’s what I thought. What’s your name?

Y. WILL

Will Spinner.

Will falls asleep again. Elizabeth pulls out the wallet and begins counting the money.

Y. ELIZABETH

Darn, only two bucks, He wasn’t lying. (Pulls out the watch) Yep, it’s a fake. (Pulls out the Medallion.) Eh, fake gold, shoddy workmanship, not the sort of thing made and cursed by Aztecs, stolen by pirates, thereby cursing them and having the one man who didn’t redeem the curse to give this to his only son. Wait, maybe it is. I’ll keep it anyway.

Governor Gúse walks up.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Did he tell you anything?

Y. ELIZABETH

(Startled)

Umm, uh, just his name, Will.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Will what?

Y. ELIZABETH

Will Spinner.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Spinner? Spin who? Never mind. What’s his name?

Y. ELIZABETH

That is his name.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Oh, I see. What are you holding behind your back?

Elizabeth stuffs the wad of things in her pocket.

Y. ELIZABETH

Oh, nothing, just holding my hands behind my back, being very innocent, Daddy of mine!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(naively)

I see. Well, keep me informed on his condition.

Int. mansion, morning.

Elizabeth is in her room, holding the pirate medallion.

Elizabeth

Yes, my precious. It came to us, a long time ago, yes it did, precious. My precious…

Maid

Ma’am, what are you doing in there?

ELIZABETH

Oh; nothing! I am doing absolutely nothing that is in the least bit suspicious! Go about your duties.

MAID

All right, ma’am, it was not my place to see to your welfare.

ELIZABETH

Yes it is!

MAID

That’s exactly what I meant, Ma’am.

(turns away from door)

MAID

(muttering)

I hate this stupid “the customer is always right” stuff

Elizabeth puts on the medallion.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Elizabeth, can I come in?

ELIZABETH

Yes

The Governor enters.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Here I bought this for you. I hear it’s the latest fashion in London.

Elizabeth goes behind screen.

ELIZABETH

(Pulling it out-)

Well, ladies in London must look quite idiotic.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

What?

ELIZABETH

I said, it’s stunningly beautiful, Father.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Oh, yes, that’s what I’ve heard.

ELIZABETH

Why did you buy it?

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter?

ELIZABETH

Yes. Well, you do, anyway.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(cough)

Ehm hmm, well, I had hoped you would wear it to the Promotion Ceremony today.

Elizabeth comes out from behind screen.

ELIZABETH

You’re finally getting a promotion? Wow, that’s amazing! I never thought you’d actually get around to doing enough actual work to get a promotion! (getting excited) You must have actually worked at it!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(obviously embarrassed)

Ah ahem, *cough cough* I – um, well, actually, I haven’t gotten around to it, things keep, um… Anyway, It’s Commodore Norrington’s promotion.

ELIZABETH

I know.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

What?

ELIZABETH

I read the news bulletins, you know. When are you going to get that promotion?

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Oh, well, uh, yes. Anyway, If you would wear it…

ELIZABETH

Oh, sure, fine.

Cut to Will standing in the hall, looking around and being bored. Admires a candlestick, and it breaks off, bursts into flame, and starts spinning around.

Will

Aah!

Hastily grabs it and sticks it in an umbrella holder, which explodes. Will grabs the charred remains and throws them through the window. Goes back to being innocent and bored. We see servants running away in terror from the giant bonfire outside. The Governor walks down and does not seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Ah, there you are! How’s my sword?

WILL

I think you mean Commodore Norrington’s sword. Um, sir.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

What? I’m paying for it!

WILL

Yes, but you couldn’t handle to save your life.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(Hastily, to change the subject)

Well, lets see it shall we!

Will pulls out the sword.

WILL

As you can see, the tang is the full weight of the blade, gold filigree laid into the handle, a counterbalance has been installed just to the fore and in juxtaposition to the primary hand guards main defensive lead to aid in counter-riposte movements in direct correlation to the crossways slashing movement and to help with the comeback after deflecting a quick offensive thrust. You’ll also notice I’ve decided to implement one of my own design elements into the foremost cutting edge to maximize the thrust of the driving motion used in a stab. Also, pay attention to the…

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(Startled by wills waving sword around to demonstrate and, overwhelmed by the technical terms, cuts him off,)

Um, Give my compliments to your master!

Grabs sword and slams it shut in the box, relieved.

Elizabeth comes down stairs.

ELIZABETH

Oh, Will. How are you?

WILL

Fine, Miss Gúse

ELIZABETH

How many times must I tell you to call me Elizabeth?

WILL

At least three million more times, as always, Elizabe-, Miss Gúse

GOVERNOR GÚSE

At least the boy has manners, Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH

*Screams* I am fed up with bloody manners! That’s all I get! Eerrgh!

Stalks out, past the oblivious Governor, who has been staring at his fingernails.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

I really need to see my manicurist. Farewell, Will!

Strides through the door, and they drive off. A large building falls over from the fire.

Ext. Shipyard, afternoon

Small ship sails through harbor. Jack is standing on the mast.

Camera zooms in on Jack. He is chewing his fingernails.

Jack

Oh, have we started?

Cut back to beginning of scene, with Jack looking very cool.

Dramatic Music starts playing.

JACK

Oh, is it, is that mine?

Pulls out cell phone, and answers. The music stops.

JACK

(into cell phone)

Not now, I’m in the middle of a shoot! I’ll catch you later. ‘K? Fine, bye.

puts cell phone away.

JACK

OK, I’m good now. One more time.

Cut to beginning again. This time there are no interruptions, and it looks like he is going to get to the dock, just as it sinks, but it suddenly drops and he starts flailing around.

JACK

Aaahhh!!! AHhhaehahheeeah!!! Oh, wait. Hold on a sec.

realizes he isn’t sinking, and steps off.

camera switch to underwater.

Jack steps off of mast, which he thinks is solid ground, and sinks. Cut to when he is coming on shore.

JACK

Gotta watch out for that, third time this week.

PortMaster

Hey, you! It’ll cost a shilling to dock your boat. What’s your name?

JACK

What boat?

PORTMASTER

That one. (points to Jack’s boat, which has magically resurfaced)

JACK

(to himself)

I hate it when that happens. Umm… look over there! A Pirate with a large weapon!(points over in distance)

PORTMASTER

Where? What? (turns around)

Jack kicks a cannon laying nearby, then hops around holding his stubbed toe. Cannon goes off, and blows up ship.

PORTMASTER

I didn’t see anything. Hey, what happened to your that boat you had?

JACK

Must have been a mirage. What boat?

PORTMASTER

Oh, never mind, umm, must have been a mirage. I still need to know your name.

JACK

What about three shillings, and forget the name?

PORTMASTER

Ummm… well, I’ve never been a man to refuse a bribe, but… well, how about half a shilling, and a name.

JACK

Well, okay. (Reads Portmaster’s nametag.) Bob Carpenter.

PORTMASTER

Thank you. Hey, wait a minute… somethings fishy here… Oh well. Hey, what about my half shilling!

PORTMASTER’s boss

What? Half a shilling? Have you been giving discounts behind my back!?

PORTMASTER

No, no, boss. I haven’t!

PORTMASTER’S BOSS

Let me see that book. (takes log book) Bob Carpenter!!! You’ve been giving discounts to your relatives, have you!!? You’re fired!

PORTMASTER

But, but, that’s…

Portmasters boss pushes him off the dock.

EXT. Courtyard, Afternoon

Pan over large assembly at the Commodores promotion.

Speaker

(completely deadpan)

…And so, we are here to witness the promotion of Commodore Norrington-Orrington, such a cutie-pie, isn’t he, yes he is, my little snoogums!

NORRINGTON

(Whispering angrily)

I Knew I shouldn’t have let mother write the introduction!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(sniffling)

Oh, how touching!

Elizabeth rolls her eyes.

Drill Leader

Present; ARMS!

NORRINGTON

Oh, finally, the good part.

Regiment lifts their arms above their heads.

DRILL LEADER

NO NO NO!!!

NORRINGTON

I’m surrounded by incompetents

DRILL LEADER

(In Background)

No no no, your weapons, you buffoons!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(Whispering to Elizabeth)

What form! Look at that teamwork! Amazing!

Cut to Drill regiment in general confusion and chaos.

ELIZABETH

Why me? Why me?

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Got to go!

Walks up to Commodore Norrington, and draws the sword. A troop of Marines point their bayonets at him, obviously thinking it’s an assassination attempt.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

(Flustered)

Ooh, uh, what?

NORRINGTON

Stand down men, it’s a gift.

Marines back down slowly, still giving the governor the evil eye. Norrington draws the sword, and looks impressed.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Yes, good, isn’t it? I’m told it has a, a… thingie in the… uh, other thing that helps you, um… uh… kill people better? (to himself) where is that boy?

NORRINGTON

Hmm, I see.

EXT. Shipyard Afternoon

Jack walks on the boat dock and attempts to walk on the Interceptor. Guards wake up and rush to block his path. Jack pushes them off the dock and continues up the ramp

Pan over to director Jerry Bruckheimer, standing up out of his chair.

Director

Hey hey hey! What’s going on! You’re supposed to have a very funny personal exchange here! I wrote it myself! It’s fantastic!

JACK

I really liked the one the scriptwriter wrote better. If you ask me, ‘If I see any civilians, I shall inform them immediately’, is much funnier than, ‘Yo mama’s a boat’, and I’m not going to say your stupid lines again.

DIRECTOR

But, But..

JACK

Either those lines, go, or I go.

DIRECTOR

Fine! Start over!

Scene Starts over. Jack does same as before, up until the part where he shoves them off, which he doesn’t do.

#1 Interceptor Guard

Hey, You! This dock is off limits to civilians!

JACK

(attempting to work around them)

Thank you, if I see any I shall inform them immediately.

#2 Interceptor Guard

That means you!

JACK

Oh, but it’s such a pretty ship

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

Boat! No, wait, Ship! That’s what he said, so, umm, yeah, Ship!

JACK

So, there seems to be a big Whoop-di-do-da-day at the large fort-like object, how is two such uh, shining examples of Navyness…ity weren’t invited?

#2 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

Someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits to civilians.

JACK

Really? Then why are you here?

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

What? We’re not civilians!

JACK

Where’s your military papers, then, eh?

#2 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

Right here! Ha! Oh, wait, where’d they go? (Searches pockets, as does #1)

JACK

Ah! So you are civilians! Well, I have military papers! Two of ’em! Off the dock, you can inspect the papers over there.

The guards walk off, dejected. Then they read the papers.

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

HEY! These are our Papers! Get ‘im!

They rush up to Jack, who is now at the wheel

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

Hey, you, you ‘aven’t got no papers!

JACK

Oh, haven’t I?

pulls out a piece of paper, and hands it to them.

#2 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

(Reading)

“Arrest warrant for one Jack Robbin, for stealing a ship without a license?” Hey, this isn’t military enrollment papers!

JACK

Eh, who cares? It’s got my name and somebody’s signature, see? All nice and legal.

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

I think he’s going to steal the ship!

JACK

Well, if I was to attempt to steal a ship, pilfer my weaselly black guts out, etc, etc, etc, I think I would steal that ship. (Points to the Dauntless)

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

Well, the Dauntless is the coolest thing in these waters sure enough, but the Interceptor has clocked in at over two hundred knots!

#2 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

An Hour!

JACK

(knows they’re lying)

Uh huh.

EXT. Courtyard Overhang, Afternoon

Elizabeth and The Commodore are standing on the overhang. Elizabeth is struggling a bit in the corset.

NORRINGTON

You know, this promotion throws into contrast that which I have not achieved, a non-business conversation with a person that’s actually alive. You, are actually alive, Elizabeth, and…

ELIZABETH

(getting the point)

Oh No!

Elizabeth jumps off the ledge, and falls in the water.

NORRINGTON

(Looking down over ledge to where Elizbeth fell)

Dang, not again! Every time I try to talk to someone… Men! Get down there immediately!

EXT. Interceptor, Afternoon

Jack is obviously in the middle of an anecdote…

JACK

…And that’s when they diced me into the carrot soup and ate me for breakfast.

Elizabeth hits the water behind them.

ELIZABETH

(In the background)

Freedom!

JACK

Oh! A lady calls, excuse me!

Almost dives in, but catches himself at the last moment and turns back.

JACK

Do not lose these,(hands over personal effects) or I will hunt you to the ends of the earth and feed your flesh to the natives, who’ll use your skulls for wine tankards. Farewell.

Dives after Elizabeth

#1 INTERCEPTOR GUARD

At least we’ll go to a good cause.

Underwater, Afternoon

Elizabeth falls in the water, unconscious.

Elizabeths medallion sprouts a flashing neon signs saying, “Pirates come here”, a satellite dish and a siren, which disappear when Jack pulls Elizabeth onto the dock next to the guards and Norrington with his men.

Docks, Afternoon

JACK

Do you mind if I do some CPR? (puckers up)

NORRINGTON

Do you mind if I have you hanged?

JACK

Oh.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Shoot him.

The gaurds all point their guns at Norrington.

NORRINGTON

No, you idiots. Him! (points at Jack)

ELIZABETH

(Suddenly becoming conscious and sitting up)

Father, do you really intend to shoot my rescuer? (Then sees Jack) Oh, never mind, go right ahead, gentlemen.

Jack grabs Elizabeth, spinning her around, and holding his chains to her throat.

NORRINGTON

Hey! Where did you get chains? I haven’t arrested you yet!

JACK

Oh, really?

NORRINGTON

Yes, really.

JACK

Oh. (releases Elizabeth) Here’s your chains back. Shake?

Norrington grabs Jacks arm and finds a tattoo saying “I am an evil pirate captain. Believe it.”

NORRINGTON

Had a brush with the “I’m a pirate trading company”, have we?

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Hang him.

JACK

(now in chains)

Ah ha! (Grabs Elizabeth again.)

NORRINGTON

I knew it.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Oh, my, I had no idea.

NORRINGTON

(turning to Governor Gúse)

He did it once already two minutes ago!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Yes, but I didn’t think he’d do it again!

Jack coughs for attention.

JACK

OK, give me stuff.

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Do you mean your stuff?

JACK

Yeah, that too

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Give him his stuff immediately.

NORRINGTON

No! Wait! I have to mock his ineptitude first!

Grabs the stuff from the guards.

NORRINGTON

Hmm… Stupid Happy Meal “collectible” compass that doesn’t work, (Throws things in the air as he finishes, and Jack grabs them) One Pistol with no additional shot nor powder – or plungers – (pulls sword from sheath) and I half expected it to be made of, hey! It IS wood. Those guys at the props place skimped on us. Oh well, here you go.

Pretends to stab at Elizabeth (flirtingly), but hands it to Jack instead. Elizabeth rolls her eyes.

JACK

(Backing away slowly)

Now gentlemen, you will always remember this as the day you almost… (shoves Elizabeth towards them) caught Captain Jack-

Jack falls off the dock because he was still moving backwards.

NORRINGTON

Men, FIRE!

GOVERNOR GÚSE

Yes! Fire with great rapidity your weapons at the man that saved my daughter, teach the blighter a good lesson!

Looks around to see that everyone else is gone. In the background, Jack swings by on rope, and hits the water again.

JACK

Whooho!

Town, and Blacksmith, shortly after.

Cut to a shot in the village. Jack sneaks into a blacksmiths shop. An old fat guy is snoring on a tiny little chair.

Jack approaches cautiously, in case the man is still awake. He wiggles his fingers in front of him. No reaction. He does a few hoppy steps side to side. Nothing.

JACK

(quiet at first but getting louder)

You… put… your right foot in (pause, nothing) You take your right foot out. (Pause) And you do the hokey pirate and you wave it all about!

Starts getting into the dance, waves his foot in Fat Guys face, and accidentally kicks him off the stool. He stays there snoring.

JACK

Oh, OK then.

Show him trying to get the handcuffs off. Will begins to enter and Jack hides.

WILL

(looks at hammer)

Right where I left you. (Looks at Boss.) Not where I left you. Wait, Isn’t it supposed to turn out the other way around?

JACK

(Coming out from hiding)

Yes, but you see, that was a bit unscripted. And once again, you stand between me and my way out.

WILL

You’re that pirate the they’ve been hunting fo- (suddenly confused) Hey, wait, I haven’t, and you haven’t, and-

JACK

Aha! (Lunges with sword)

Will suddenly blocks with a sword.

JACK

Where did that come from?

WILL

I practice with it three hours a day!

JACK

(Suddenly confused)

Yeah, but that doesn’t- WHOA!

Will uses the confusion to attack again.

JACK

Behold my hot moves!

Waves the sword around like crazy, and does some sweet flips and things. Will watches impassively, then suddenly flicks his sword out and snags Jack’s chains on the rafters.

JACK

That, is a very nice trick, but once again you stand between –

WILL

Not that again.

JACK

Oh, fine.

Fight continues on the rafters.

JACK

Very good, but hows your footwork?  (Begins circling) If I do this…

Close up on the feet suddenly interrupted by a pan upwards. Will just sliced at Jack.

JACK

Very good, I see you weren’t fooled by all my baloney with the fee- hey, your shoe is unbuckled.

Will looks down, and then looks up to see Jacks pistol in his face.

WILL

You cheated.

JACK

Well, duh. I am a… (waits expectantly)

WILL

P- pirate.

JACK

That’s better. Just remember that and we’ll get along just great.

Suddenly the rafter gives way. Jack falls down, and the fat guy wakes up. Norrington and his men burst in.

NORRINGTON

Well, mister Brown, congratulations, you’ve just apprehended a dangerous fugitive.

Fat guy

Just doing my civic duty-

JACK

Oh, shut up. (Knocks him out again.)

Fat Guys bottle, still in his hand, flies up as he falls back and smacks Jack in the head. Will is left looking slightly dazed.

[End of script] These two pictures were intended to show the type of animation I intended this to be.

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