Posted by: lordkyler | July 17, 2010

The [Confidential] Letters – Short Story

This is a light-hearted, short and humorous bit, written in a very Lemony Snicketesque fashion, letters written from an operative inside a top secret organization. I have no particular plans to continue or reboot this, but I still find it quite amusing. Please welcome [confidential] [redacted], the greatest tale ever [redacted].

The [confidential] Letters

Dear Minnie,

I hope this letter finds you well. I regret to inform you that I am being sent overseas to Madagascar in a crate of Brussels sprouts a la mode. No doubt this will come as a shock. Fear not, It was my intention, in fact I was ordered to depart, though not particularly in this manner. I was selling pickled herring and cigars in the storefront shop which serves as my cover occupation. Inexplicably, a man purchasing a crate of feathers noticed the coded communication patterns, and the news spread. Despite our best attempts, the Grouping got wind of it, and I was forced to flee with only the clothes I was wearing, a six shot pistol, and a commemorative umbrella.

Armed with these materials, I made my way across the countryside to the nearest seaside town in the Arabian desert. When I arrived, the Grouping had already gotten there, and were on the lookout. I was forced to lead them on a chase, in which several fell into the local prune juice processing plant’s vats. I barely avoided the same grisly fate by using the umbrella handle to catch the pipe which carried the raw prunes to the vat. I managed to swing onto the accompanying catwalk and disguised myself as a worker.

Sneaking out of the factory at 2307 hours on Tuesday, I boarded a helicopter bound to the Honduras. You should be familiar with this helicopter. It is number 23-7 J, registered to Amanda Hawks, your Uncle Lester’s third cousin. Of course you know what she did, that snippy little…

But anyway, I hadn’t gotten much further than Thailand when I saw three hoverjets on radar closing in at Mach 4. All attempts at evasion failed, and I just managed to get the thrust ratio of the torque to compensate for the explosion blast, negating the pressure enough to get in a fairly controlled crash landing. I hit the Self-destruct panel, and you will be pleased to hear it exploded in a brilliant display that wiped out two jets and sent the third scrambling for his base. Thanks to a well aimed caber toss by me, he didn’t make it.

Constructing a makeshift engine and base from materials in the mountains, I rode my way down to the sea front. Using a leftover foil wrapping from a Hershey’s chocolate bar found on the beach, a Watch purchased from a military base with gold dust panned from a stream, and a pebble, I made a crude satellite transceiver and hailed Systems Command. There I received orders to get myself to San Andreas as quickly as possible to receive an assignment.

Disguising myself as Captain Kirk, I convinced natives that I was from the future and needed assistance getting on a ship. They found work at a shipping company, and smuggled me onto the “Scallion”, bound for Baja California. From there I hope to hitchhike to my destination. Do not Worry, Minnie, I have plenty of room, and these brussels sprouts are actually fairly good. You can contact me from the Billings, Montana police station water cooler anytime after next week.

Sincerely Yours,



Dear Minnie,

I am on my new mission, searching for messages from our underground operatives. So I am now working in a coal mine as “Albert Sanchez.” Hopefully one of these lumps of coal will have that specially cut diamond that will alert us of their condition. So far, none have showed up on the scanner.

I cannot reveal my location, as enemy agents would quickly move in. Suffice it to say that I am somewhere far south. I was sorry to hear of your accident obtaining the Eggshells that are so vital to your mission. If I may offer a suggestion, it is to distract the guards, then move in using stealth tactics before detonating your explosive gummy bears (An invention for which I am most indebted to you, as you shall find out at our next conference).

As I am generally out of contact from headquarters less vital information, So if it is convenient, please send me a video disc of Amanda’s reaction to the news of her special helicopter’s destruction. I am sure they have it on tape somewhere. I am looking forward to it. Until further events warrant,

Sincerely yours,

[confidential] A.K.A. “Albert Sanchez”

P.S. Please send some brussels sprouts a la mode. I have acquired a taste for them.


Dearest Minnie,

Haven’t much to do, having found the Diamond, and have been transferred to Conis II, In the [location confidential]. However, I am sure you are wondering why I’m here, instead of out on a mission. When I got the video disk, I laughed so hard it was picked up by enemy satellites. I was forced to flee the mines, and ended up in the Azores. Fortunately I found a shipment of Pineapple from Hawaii, and thus inadvertently discovered that The Grouping was spying on the Pigeon Messengers. Oh, I have just received orders. Until I rest safe again,



[This is the end of the story as written. Hopefully you laughed.]


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