Posted by: lordkyler | May 22, 2010

The Assault of the AsEn: Final Part – Pointlessness Ensues

Now, for the last chapters in this saga of (nearly) unparalleled awfulness.

Please read previous sections first.

“Editorial” comments in green brackets.

Chapter 5 Continued

After returning from the arsenal (see Chapter 5 1/2) [Since you probably forgot about the chapter you just barely read] He headed for the light conversion chamber, where the rest of the squad was waiting. The commander barked out orders. [Although technically this is Canor’s strike team.] “Get in line, or I’ll make sure you’re gonna be livin’ a dogs life after this!” “What’s a dog?” asked Hamert, Canor’s partner. “Beats me” he replied. “Well, get your doggone tails movin’ !” Canor came to the conclusion that a dog was some kind of beast, generally despised, with a notable tail. A ‘doggone’ must be its mate. [Okay, that’s still kind of funny] Canor stepped in line, then remembered the Felnak had told him to take his choice of personnel for his own hit team. [D’oh!] He first chose Hamert, then Naman Manam, A strategy expert, not generally accepted, though. [I guess?] Dug Bolg, a Ghert, and Vamil, a Tersonek, [The latest in a long line of made-up names,]which being from a recently discovered planet, was pretty new on the force, but a natural choice for advancement, as he had almost as many ‘features’ as an AsEn, the prime one being able to change Phases, therefore being able to walk through things and turn invisible to the average eye.  [Good, another overpowered alien, that’s what we needed.] He also chose an AsEn. All were capable of some form of invisibility. [Although NOBODY has any cloaking that he knew of until today.] The AsEn by becoming upset, the Tersonek by changing to a certain phase, Hamert by vibrating so fast that the average eye couldn’t follow, but the Ghert did it rather differently. He (and all other Gherts) secreted a chemical substance to make them invisible, thereby dubbed invisible cream. [Shoot me. Just shoot me now. I do not deserve to live after making a joke THAT stupid.] With this invisibility factor they could make a very good strike team [Really? I would have thought invisible people would be horrible at covert ops.] They stepped into the Light conversion chamber and headed there. In half an Hour they were there. [In galactic terms, the super-secret base seems awfully close to the one random rock in the middle of nowhere they just happened to send him, also apparently he can breath in space.] Canor immediately ordered Invisibilities on, shields on, and safeties off. They scouted the perimeter, and signaled for the commander to take their place. They went on in tag team style  [Tag team style. When regular style just ISN’T ENOUGH.] When they approached the rock where the Herbols were meeting. Sure enough, there was a slight shimmer. He told every body to hunker down for stakeout. [Time for pointlessness!]

Chapter Six

The Stakeout

Canor first had had perimeter Turrets set up with invisi-cloth spread over them all around the boulder. [WHAT HAPPENED TO NO CLOAKING? HUH? Also, this is a major ripoff of the cam-foil in Artemis Fowl.] He then gave everyone an alpha-gahiberjawantsit [*snort*] to set around the perimeter, facing the boulder, set on suspended animation, and coupled to a motion sensor. He then told everyone to maintain oidar (advanced radio) silence. [Yes. That is “radio” spelled backwards. O. M. G.] While they were waiting, Canor decided too [to] send a video clip movie to his friends. [Because they are totally not in a crucial stakeout right this very second] While they watched on their viewscreens, Canor watched on his obviously higher quality wrist T.V. [Of course] They were watching AFsd, [WtF?] (Star Wars 65.3) [Oooookay] with deleted footage. He also tossed everyone a package of homemade MREs They consisted of popcorn, soda and a sub sandwich. [MRE’s in the future are totally Super Bowl worthy, you guys] They had just gotten to the part where Luke Skywalkers Great grandson who had fallen to the dark side was about to get in a fight with a distant relative of Yoda’s, [note, this probably actually happened in the extended universe of something, in fanfic at the very least] when something happened. [What happened?] The door opened. [Gasp!] The movie stopped. [NOOOOOOOO!] Invisibility went on. [Again!] The laser cannon turrets rotated and locked on target. [Sound effects!] Everyone held their breaths [Short sentences!] The little furry creature with the large ears emerged. His ears twitched. [*twitch* Also apparently not setting off the motion detectors] Its sniffed. [*sniff*] Luckily all of them were upwind. [Upwind In SPACE!] Canor targeted the UnNatural Death. [oh boy oh boy oh boy here comes a fight scene!] He squeezed the trigger. [AND THEN!…]

Meanwhile back at the base, [Back at the ranch,] the Felnak was making preparations for an attack on the Herbol military base. [GYP! Also, there’s kind of a super important operation taking place right now. Maybe you should be supervising?] [And although this was a little corny (sort of) for a Felnak] made a to do list and a list of necessary items. (Not quite so corny.)[ummm… whatever you say] it went as follows on the to do list:

  • Organize back up strike team [There’s already one strike team! Maybe you should be organizing the second RIGHT NOW instead of making a list.]
  • prepare Destructo bomb for attack on Herbol base [‘k?]
  • Attend military conference on tactical procedure for invasion [Better brush up on those invasion tactics before we actually get to an invas- Oh, right.]
  • See if the budget can afford to get one of those cool holographic display tables [WHY MUST YOU DO THIS NOW?]
  • Upgrade fighters [Just behind the Holo-table in priority, obviously]

The things to get list

  • x | ten tons of jads [e-jads, man!]
  • √ | Mac OS® 50.6 (Gest) (Windows went bankrupt) [Mac fanboy w00t]
  • √ | thirty-five bags of complimentary peanuts [This is A-grade funny, right here]
  • x | new flight system with fully functional auto pilot [Please note how the important things still need to be done, but by gosh he has those peanuts and a haircut. You’re supposed to be laughing now, because I thought that was funny.]
  • √ | a haircut [Mmmm’kay]

He attended the conference meeting and made some changes. He looked into the budget and bought 2 holographic tables. [THIS. IS. BORING!] He added another asteroid in the chain as a break/entertainment/lounge room with divisions for each rank. He postponed work on it because there were more important things too do. [Thanks friggin’ finally!] He requested a special briefing for the back-up teams. But back to the main story… [*sigh* even I knew this scene was pointless. I think I thought it was funny to take a sudden “but then over here…” Moving on]

He squeezed the trigger of UnNatural death. The little evil thing gave an unearthly shriek, and rolled over. [And presumably, played dead] The tall thing stepped back, and pulled out a long thin stick-like contraption. [Like, a gun, perhaps?] It expanded. Canor ordered that all troops focus on the military leaders, withholding a few, for questioning later. [No duh?] All of a sudden a barrage of laser fire came their way it was from the “stick”. [“gun”] Canor returned fire. Blueish-orangish-blackish [And scarlet and black and ochre and peach, and ruby and olive and violet and fawn…] sort of blotches appeared where the laser fire hit . A personal Shield. [Yep, personal shields too.] Then an alpha bomb went off. Then another. And the last two. [And then then they didn’t] Every thing living inside froze. They had won. [Such a thrilling battle they were so evenly matched] The bodies were transferred back to the base.

Chapter 7

The Questioning

Canor was chosen as a member of the interrogation team. [Of course he was, because in addition to being a gunner, a fledgling pilot, a strike team operative, a genius inventor, and yet only a major, Canor is also an interrogation expert] It [the Herbol leader] was placed on a bench, and strapped down. Then it was taken off from the suspeneded animation. The Leader screamed, swore, (luckily in some weird bubbly language. [burbleburblblblb, motherburblblbl!]), and lay still. Canor brought up the truth wand, [Ummmmmmmmmmmm.] and asked what the meeting was about. The leader garbled something unintelligible, and closed its eyes. The translator kicked in. [although not translating the swearing] “The location of the POWER has been discovered “. [“The POWER?” “Yes sir, for lack of a better name, it’s just ‘The POWER'”] Sensor readings indicated that it was in a coma. [That was fast and convenient] Canor looked at his media card. The POWER was a legendary source of supernatural abilities. Canor, in his special college, had learned how to read minds. [MIND. READING. COLLEGE. WHAT.] Once he got past the defense barriers, [This may be ripped off of Eragon, of all things] He found the location. “¥§•≤ΩπÅ” [Yeah, I pretty much held down the option key and started pressing buttons until I got some cool looking symbols. Also, totally not a ripoff of Stargate SG-1] A strange set of symbols. He left the interrogation chamber, and walked down the hall, into a moleculizer marked, personnel Quarters. [Q!] Once again, His body froze in a reverse silhouette; and lights swirled around to the center, [This sounds awfully familiar] He reappeared in a hall This had the names of all personnel on base. He swiped his card, and the clear, plasticy looking transparisteel slid open. [Transparisteel courtesy of the Young Jedi Knights series. Ain’t semi-intentional twelve-year-old plagiarism great?]

Once into his private quarters, He looked up the symbols “¥§•≤ΩπÅ” [!@#$%^&] He found they were a piont [point] in space, reached only by an ancient device, which could get the POWER. [NOT STARGATE, YOU GUYS!] There was also other symbols that had been found that would lead to the POWER if they could get the device. [It’s not like they have matter/energy conversion or K.A.H.’s or spaceships or anything that could get there.]

Chapter 8

The Search for POWER

[I HAVE THE POWEERRRRRR! Also, this is the last partial chapter, thank goodness]

Canor got the coordinates translated to regular coordinates. He went back to the main base. He told the Felnak he needed his team. The Felnak, sensing the urgency in his voice, didn’t ask questions. [Asking questions about such things is hardly in his job description, obviously] Canor quickly loaded up, and left to the K.A.H. room. His team followed. As light and sound swirled around him He wondered what would happen there. He appeared on a barren rock. His team followed. Immeadiatly to the left was a huge cave. he decided to enter. It was damp and musty. [Yeah, I was getting tired of this. Everything is moving along so fast.] The atmosphere readings suddenly became breathable. Canor took off his hood. [And, I’d like to think, promptly died of asphyxiation, caused by faulty sensor readings.]

This is the end of the story. It was never finished, it never will be, it will not be redone, but I hope you enjoyed it’s horribleness as much as I did. Looking back at previous projects, my writing just a year later (The Kyler story) was far superior It seems I’m getting better, always a good thought. Feel free to mock this story in the comments! (I won’t take it personally)

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