Posted by: lordkyler | May 8, 2010

The Assault of the AsEn: Part III – Much Ado About Little

Hang on to your hats, it’s time for another round into a 12-year-old wonderfest!

Previous Segments here and here.

[snark in green brackets]

Chapter Four

The Base

Canor, after telling the Dotu Sek. about the meeting. [I think these two sentences were supposed to link together.] He was immediately sent back to the base [.] they came out in a room very similar to the K.A.H. room on the Gladiator. Canor walked to the wall after Hamert. The wall parted. [It never quite lived up to the reputation of its brother, the Red Sea, but it tried.] The Dotu Sek ran at his super speed out of the room. [WHA?] Dotu Seks can run at supersonic speed. [Oh] Canor flew out the door after him. Once again, literally. He could fly here! [But of course] Things just kept on getting better and better. He followed Hamert as fast as He could. which was really fast when He was flying. [And then He started capitalizing He.] He followed Hamert to the Felnaks Office. This one was a Beknert. Beknerts have no super special abilities beside a gigantic Mental capacity and I.Q. [Suckers] As they burst into the office, The Beknert turned “What is it?” He said annunciating perfectly. Hamert replied hurriedly, “Sergeant Canor here has discovered a meeting of the enemy Leaders, Sir!” “Well, quickly; do something!” “ Yes sir, right away, sir!” “Dismissed!” The Beknert turned to Canor. “So, Sergeant; lets see how things turn out !” [There’s a leader for you. Something happened! Quick, go do something. Let’s all cross our fingers and make a wish, now, okay? Also, not breaking up the dialogue makes it really hard to read.]

Chapter Five

The Siege Begins, and Fighter Training (though not much)

[Easily one of the best chapter names I’ve ever seen]

Canor walked to the Central control unit. He had just enrolled. Nervously he entered his identification code, hoping that his code was entered into the computer memory banks. [It’s not like you can create an computer account almost instantly right now, not to mention in the future] It had. “ Access Granted” stated the computer, flatly. He stepped in the sphere. immediately, he was floating. and it wasn’t him! There was no gravity in the chamber. The reason was obvious. Consoles lined the entire inside of the sphere. if there wasn’t zero gravity there wouldn’t be as much room for computers. He stepped ( okay, floated) over to the colonel in charge and said ”ready to begin, sir?” “Yes,” replied the Ghert, A very short, very strong individual. “Let’s begin.” Canor took a computer seat. He began warming up the Isolation Balls. [Go ahead and giggle] He thought for a moment. What would happen if the leaders were killed? Oh well , here it goes. [Moral issues: RESOLVED!] He fired An isolation ball, cutting it off from the rest of the galaxy. The only way in or out was a light conversion procedure. He warmed up the light conversion chamber. [No Duh] Then he was called to his Eoiuap’s (commanding officer’s[vowel soups]) office through the speaker system. Canor flew, and was there in 10 seconds. [Fwoosh!] “Yes, sir?” “You will report to fighter training.” This individual was obviously very short spoken. “Now” he said. “Yes sir” Canor replied. Wondering about this order, as He was supposed to be helping with the siege, but the Eoiuap answered that question for him. “You will spend minimal time on the fighter training because of the siege.” [It’s not like we’re RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRUCIAL OPERATION RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.] “Yes sir” Canor said. [<pointless scene>] He quickly flew to the Limil; which is the flight trainer. He started an account on the computer and waited for the computer to register it. It didn’t take too long, this facility had very high end computers. He punched in his on base code, and started the course. “Welcome to the flight trainer,” a prerecorded voice began. It was suddenly cut off. A message screen came up. Mission control had found he was logged onto the flight trainer and had sent a message. Canor logged out immediately. and half walked, half flew to mission control. [</pointless scene>] When He got there the Mission control leader told Him they needed to send in a strike team. Canor was to be one of the strike team and he needed to get suited up. So Canor headed to his quarters. He changed into a very comfortable outfit of his own design, [Oh, lord, here we go…] Highly flexible, moldable, strong and protective as steel, waterproof, unflammable, multi-camouflage, invisibility of sorts, life support, built-in helmet/hood, with thermal vision, night vision, X-ray vision, water oxygen separator, nuclear battery powered, and among a ot of other things, permanently patented. He tested it out a little, as he hadn’t used it in a while. [WHY THE H*** NOT!?] It worked perfectly. One of his favorite features was the virtual reality pouch, also patented. It could an unlimited number of items, because all you had to do was put one part of the item in the pouch, and it was converted to cyberspace. And when you wanted it, all you had to do was reach in and think of what you wanted, and you had it, as long as it was stored. and it remained the same weight, (which was about a couple of pounds) no matter how much stuff you put in it. [Science at work] So He went to the arsenal. [You thought the suit was ridiculously overpowered now? Just wait ’til we get done with this.]

(Chapter 5 1/2)

[The Arsenal (for everyone who likes that kind of thing)]

[You can just tell this is gonna be great.]

[This chapter will be in parenthesis , so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. [YES I ACTUALLY DID THAT. Can you imagine if the Lord of the Rings did that? “The Council of Elrond is entirely in parenthesis so you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.”] If you do, read on, if not, (and I don’t see why not) go to Chapter 5 Continued. Canor walked to the arsenal.

It took up a large amount of space. At the front desk a uniformed official asked him what He wanted. Canor showed him the Holo-message mission control had given him. The Felnaks image appeared. It instructed The Keeper to let him take his choice of weapons. [There is absolutely no way anybody could fake that ever ever ever no give me all the guns] Canor grinned smugly to himself. This was going to be fun. The keeper let him in through the heavily vaulted door. (It was heavily vaulted because you can’t just give everybody access to the most advanced weapons in the galaxy!) [… I think a resounding “duh” would only be redundant here.] Canor stepped in to the vault. It closed behind him. As soon as He stepped in, his jaw dropped. Did I say it took up a large amount of space? [Yes, yes you did.] Well that was all taken up for security. There was a light conversion chamber on the other side. The official walked through. By the time they had gotten to the light conversion chamber, the official had entered about fifteen twenty digit number codes, twenty passwords, had had six eyescans, twelve hand scans (three for each of his hands), two DNA scans, three card swipes from different cards, somewhere around twelve keys (even though out dated), voice recognition thrice, laser securities system, a couple of booby traps, and a few other things like that. [WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE LEFT OUT?] Canor had to do some for himself, too. And he had thought the official was overpaid! Then He realized that if one thing had gone wrong, they would have been vaporized. Then he thought the official was probably underpaid. Then he reached the light conversion chamber. He stepped inside. it took five minutes for the conversion, [completely unlike the nearly instantaneous ones earlier] then in eight minutes, He had traveled some where around ninety three million miles, give or take a few million.[wonder where I got THAT figure from] after being reconverted , then he was really at the arsenal. soon the official came behind him. They walked through a little bit lighter security. He stepped in through the door. [Why can’t people just use their own transporters to get straight to here, and bypass all the security?]

The place seemed pretty small, to be holding all the weapons of the UniGovernment. [Yes, the government keeps ALL of their weapons in ONE place, which is a super-duper top secret military base in the middle of nowhere that takes twenty minutes to get into That’s practical.] Then He saw it was a row of moleculizers. He stepped into the first, which had a label marked EXPLOSIVES. He was transported to a large room. It was filled with explosives. Now the fun began. Canor waited for the official to come through. Once he did Canor started selecting weapons. First he chose a pair of concusser missiles, then a bio-bomb which destroyed only living things. [I had just read Artemis Fowl, you see] A couple of knockout drops, as they were called by the crew, similar to the bio-bomb but less powerful, only knocking enemies out. some crude grenades were added to the pouch, which, by the way the official was gawking at. He added a couple of mini knockout drops, mounted on his finger. As the suit stretched to cover it and make it “invisible”, the official really started to gawk. And when Canor added the fifty-ton, house-sized atomic-nuclear mega jads (an element that emits energy and enhances explosions) [and is in no way uranium or naquadah] enhanced warhead to the binary bag, he almost fainted. “Wh-where in the world did you get that” the official gasped. “I invented it myself” Canor replied “as with the suit.” As he counted off the various features, the official stared wide-eyed as Canor proved them. “Do you know what we could do with that kind of thing!?” he asked/shouted. “We could beat the brains out of the Herbols in ground troop battles, We could… well I think you get the idea. Oh well. But we’re going to be talking about this when you get back.” [It’s not like you could have retired minutes after inventing this thing, not to mention we wouldn’t even be fighting this war anymore, and- you know what? Forget it.] after loading up on some nice goodies, He headed back. This time he went into ESPIONAGE. Here He chose some Optical laser (frequency adjustable) contacts. Called by the crew “If looks could kill” (which with these they could) or otherwise I.L.C.K.’s. [HA HA AREN’T I CLEVER] The laser is usually invisible. It has a infinite range and zoom. He choose a handy set of robotic arms for his back. He would have to try to upgrade these. In the sense that they could be better, not that they were outdated. He then chose some finger flamethrowers, and molecule manipulators. He thought about it, then chose a sticky grenade (no, it was actually a glue bomb) [*groan*] a scent remover (some guards actually used smell rather than sight or sound), [Okay, that actually makes sense] and a “ jet pack” in case he couldn’t fly, (it actually removed air pressure from the direction he wanted to go. The air pressure from the other directions would push him. Also, the air pressure under him would be sufficient to lift him up. this was also used to lighten weight. It was especially favored among cheating dieters. ( as long as they used a belt.) [HARDY HAR HAR] and a alpha-gahiberjawantsit, [Silly name #862] a powerful espionage bomb. What it did was when it exploded, it made no sound, noise, smell, or anything. It could be set to four settings, one, instant death, or Two suspended animation, three, unconsciousness, or four, and maybe the best, unawareness. This made the victims unaware of you or your team, [Unawareness is actually a cool concept that I’m implementing in another story] but aware of everything else. or you could use them in different combinations, like suspended animation and the instant death. they would die as soon as the suspended animation wore off.

He chose another, UnNatural Death, which targeted a weak part of their body and gave them a disease, etc. like a heart attack, a stroke, or many numerous things of that sort. [Because Aliens that can fly and such have completely similar anatomies to the point where one gun works on all of them, however a gun like that would work anyway. “He could dodge bullets, but now they’re shooting Cancer“]He chose a miniature suction hook. He tested it out. It worked perfectly. [pointless, again] After a few other choice weapons, He made sure he had enough spare weapons for his team. He entered another chamber called Distractions It was smaller, but it contained formidable weapons, mainly for distraction, that could be coupled to another weapon. [A room in an armory labeled “distractions” has distractions in it? It would take a genius to figure that out!] For instance, there was invisiflame, which was invisible until it hit something flammable. There was a decoy, which appeared at such a position so that all the guards backs were turned. He smiled. He would have plenty of targets. He figured an ultra telescopic sight for his flame thrower. [He has a scope. On his flamethrower. WOW.] In case they fled to a lower technology planet, he chose a holo disguise, A gun, old fashioned pistols, some swords, and a club, all from the old fashioned chamber. (They weren’t all advanced) [And of course, It’s not like you could just pose as a magician, or even a god. Seriously, why should that stop you? It won’t stop them.] And they had some surprises. After loading up on everything He felt He could possibly need, they left. The official had to do a completely different series of codes to get out. Then they left.[then they left again, closed the door, and left for the last time]]

[Just one more post, and we’ll be done with this. I hope you laugh as hard as I do, reading this]

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