Posted by: lordkyler | April 10, 2010

The Assault of the AsEn

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

A horrible story was written, a tale of danger, conflict, and weapons with silly names. The author was like, maybe ten or twelve, somewhere around there, and he crafted a narrative of unparalleled coolness to the twelve-year-old mind, or in any case, at least to him. For obvious reasons, it was never finished, but now the horror of this attack on literature will be unleashed upon your unsuspecting souls…

Also, I think it’s pretty hilarious how cool and funny I thought this was back then. Editorial comments are in [green]

The Assault of the AsEn

Prologue

[The Original titles were outlined, bold double-underlined red monstrosities with shadow. You’re only getting about half of that here.]

“Report to battle stations! Repeat, report to battle stations, We are are under attack! “ droned the metallic voice. Canor mentally groaned. Another attack!? [!!!1!] This made three this week! Didn’t those Herbols ever give up? [Answer: No.] Canor walked to the Gladiator’s main bridge, sat in his gunner’s seat, entered his password, completed his eye-scan, and started targeting Herbol fighters. [Then he blinked. Then he inhaled. Then, exhaled.]

Canor was a heavily built, although agile, humanoid, an AsEn, which meant he could create a supersonic sound, had infrared vision (besides regular sight), and could fly on planets with certain gravity. [Perhaps I should have named him Mary Sue. But it could be worse.] Pretty Lucky, for a humanoid race. [Haphazard Capitalization kept Unaltered.] He was a lieutenant. He had green eyes, black hair, and (usually) a big smile. When he got angry, his hair and eyes changed color. When he was sad or worried, he became partially translucent. [Chameleon^2] Right now, he was almost invisible, and what you could see of his eyes and hair were red. [Somebody’s gonna die]

Chapter I

The Battle of Knowledge & Wits

[The Chapter of OMG Canor is so friggin smart.]

Canor began targeting Herbol Fighters. He squeezed the trigger.  [Good attention to detail, younger me!] There was an explosion in space almost instantaneously. He had hit their fuel tanks [the Herbols (their arch enemies) still used old, flammable fuel!]. [Those silly Herbols. Antimatter is the wave of the future.] Canor had spent quite a bit of time as a kid studying various ships on his library holocard, looking at their weak and strong points, contemplating their diagrams, seeing which parts, if hit, would blow the whole thing to pieces. [Good thing our enemies weak points are widely available in our public libraries.] This was valuable now. Another blast. Another one gone. [Boom. Also, I still do like the idea of having a library holocard. But of course there will be no libraries in the future, only torrents.]

Then he suddenly lit up. He always lit up when he had a good idea.  [Ding!] The Herbol Mothership was turning toward them to use its big guns on them. Canor told all the other gunners to target at 541.368 125 G.T.R.M.L., [M.A.K.I.N.G. U.P. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.] and set cannons for autofire in 5…4…3…2…1…now! There was a burst of laser fire, which combined into one big, vibrating, glowing, pulsing ball of laser fire, hung there for a second, then exploded in every direction except the ship’s.  [This is how lasers work, you guys. Just look at the Death Star.] This destroyed all Herbol fighters and weakened the Mothership’s shields. [Nobody has ever thought of this before.] Canor sent new coordinates to certain guns and again fired simultaneously. They combined at the correct angles and formed a much bigger laser blast which opened a hole in the Mothership’s shields which spread until all shields were gone. Without orders, almost as one gun/being, [political correctness, ladies/gents/technological entities.] they attacked the two spherical shield generators. For a moment, they just stood there, humming. [Then they loitered around for a while] Then with an earsplitting shriek, [IN SPACE!] they exploded, then separate little gun squads started attacking the other major parts; life support, hangar bay, escape pods, engines, sublight motors, [the kitchen sink, hot tubs,] everything. Then, to finish the job, they pulled it in with tractor beams. When it got halfway through the shield radius, they turned on shields and reverse tractor beam. One half drifted off toward the planet Oceana, a water planet, [no, really? I thought it was a desert planet.] and the other half got smashed flat like a soda can, then disintegrated. The Battle Was Over. [Yes It Most Certainly Was.]

[Coming next, Canor is reprimanded for insubordination by being promoted! Yay!]

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